Behind the Animation: Charlie Brown
by HughHarper
Summary: A spoof of Behind the Music. Fifteen years ago, Charlie Brown killed almost all of his childhood pals. Geraldo Rivera interviews him to find out why. Rated M for strong language.


_ Tonight, we are taking you live to Toon Town Maximum Security Prison to talk with one of the most ruthless killers the country has ever known. His name is Charles Brown, known to everybody as Charlie._

_ Fifty years ago, Charlie was a normal child, spending his days playing with his friends and dog. What could have turned this little boy into a killer? We'll find out tonight on an all new episode of Cartoon Network's "Behind the Animation". I'm Geraldo Rivera._

GR: Hello, Charlie.

CB: Hello, Geraldo.

GR: Let's get down to business. Why did you, a person looked up to by millions of children, turn into a cold blooded killer?

CB: It all goes back to my childhood. Everything I ever tried to do turned out wrong. All the kids picked on me and beat me up. Do you know how goddamn humiliating it is to get your ass kicked by a little bitch like Lucy Van Pelt?

GR: But that's not going to turn somebody into a murderer. What else happened?

CB: Well, when I was about thirteen, I finally got a date with the little red haired girl. When we walked into the malt shop, that's when I found out it was just a cruel prank. She was just setting me up for another joke.

GR: What happened?

CB: The little cunt and my so called friends threw gallons of pig blood on me. I was so embarassed that I ran out of the malt shop and ran home. I could still hear their laughter two blocks away. I made up my mind right then and there that it would never happen again.

GR: And that's when you started getting into the goth lifestyle?

CB: Yes. Many of them were just like me. Always picked on and beat up. We were all just outcasts and losers looking for a place to fit in.

GR: What happened after you embraced this new way of living?

CB: Well, I got my first tattoo. A pentagram with a butterfly in the middle. We all started experimenting with drugs and alcohol. We turned our backs on everything normal people embraced.

GR: Who were you heroes, your idols?

CB: Well, before goth, my heroes were Jimmy Stewart, John Kennedy, Pat Boone, and Mickey Mouse. After I converted, I looked up to Dracula, William the Bloody, Charles Manson, and the Rolling Stones.

GR: Are they still you heroes?

CB: Yes, along with Bill Clinton. I love that man.

GR: And they are the men that changed your life?

CB: No. I just looked up to them. The teachings of Aleister Crowley really had a profound effect upon me. What really did it for me though, were the teachings of Gargamel, the sorcerer who virtually wiped out the entire Smurf population.

GR: Fifteen years ago, you killed almost all of your childhood friends. Lucy, Schroeder, Patty, Violet, your sister Sally, and your dog Snoopy. All dead. Why?

CB: They deserved it. Lucy was a bitch. A cruel, heartless, little bitch. Schroeder was a fuckin' faggot. Lucy was in love with him, but he was a fag. That was the reason she picked on me, because she was sexually frustrated. All he did was play those stupid songs on his piano. Patty was a dyke. She turned Sally into one too. That tore Linus up. He loved Sally, but she was eatin' Patty. When Marcy found out, she hung herself. Violet was just a stupid little preppy rich bitch. Snoopy had the mange.

GR: What about the rest of the gang? Do you ever hear from them?

CB: Not very often. Except for Pigpen. I talk to him a lot because he's in the same cult I I heard, Linus is a homeless alcoholic still deep in despression because of my slut sister.

GR: What about Woodstock, the little bird that hung out with Snoopy?

CB: Dead.

GR: No.

CB: Yup.

GR: Goddammit.

CB: Sally's cat ate him.

GR: Do you regret what you did?

CB: Will it get me paroled if I do?

GR: No.

CB: Then hell no.

GR: Well, that's all the time we have for tonight. Let me just say that you a sick bastard that should be put to death. But I can't help but to like you. Goodnight everyone.

CB: You suck, Geraldo.

_ Join us next week on Cartoon Network's "Behind the Animation" for the story behind the story of everyone's favorite stone age family, The Flinstones._


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